obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
They took my balls.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
