I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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