Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
