I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
