last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
