my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
