Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
