I think im going to throw up on grandma
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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