I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
