i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
