I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
