haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
