I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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