The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
