Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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