I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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