If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Please, let me fuck your mom
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
