respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
