So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
