Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
