He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
