Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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