If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
