I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This baby is an asshole
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
