Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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