i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
