I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
