as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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