Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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