I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
