Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
