You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
