people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
