I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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