That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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