when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
