Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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