Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
