please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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