I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
