the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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