Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
