note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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