Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
