How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
cat food counts as protein by the way
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
