so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
