I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
