my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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