I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
