Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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