If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
