i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
