new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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